Things I said I would never do.....

It is so easy to say what you would and wouldn't do BEFORE you become a parent. I always had an opinion on certain parenting techniques before becoming Sarah's mommy and now...well, to say the least my opinion has changed. In some instances my opinion changed out of survival, desperation, or that I just didn't know enough to have an opinion before. Here are some of things that have changed:

1. Co-sleeping: Miss Sarah has been sleeping with us almost every night since Thanksgiving. She always begins her night in her bed, but usually around 2 or 3, she cries out and wants to sleep with us and we let her. I have slept better in the last two months then I have since she came home. Before her  sleeping with us, I would be up sometimes 5-6 times a night attempting to comfort Sarah. Now, she is only up one time a night and that is when she comes into our bed. I have to admit, I love the feeling of that little girl snuggling against my body. 

2. Candy: When we are shopping, I almost always give Sarah a lollipop so she will stay in the cart. I was always one of those people that said, "My child will listen to me, I am not going to bride her." Well, I guess I am eating my own words. I justify in my mind that at least they are organic, "good for you" candy. It is amazes how much I can live in denial! :)

3. Showering: I never thought I would shower with my daughter. I do sometimes. She loves it and quite honestly, it is easier. 

4. TV: I have started to let Sarah watch some TV. I can't decide if I feel guilty about this or not. She watches Snow White and Nick Jr., that is it. She has watched Snow White everyday for the last month. Snow White is my favorite, but I am so tired of watching it. Last night, Sarah kissed me on the head the same way that Snow White kisses the dwarfs. It was so sweet. 

I think that I have learned once again, that you don't know what you will do into you are in that situation.:):)

On another note, things are so much better here. I think sleeping  regularly has helped. Our attachment is going well. I think that I was suffering from depression and didn't even realize how anxious and sad I felt until I have begun to feel better. I felt so guilty that I missed my old life. I felt like a horrible person and mother. I would look at this beautiful child who had been through so much and was disappointed in myself that I ever felt even one "bad" feeling about her or my new life. The guilt was overwhelming. I know that I have made some mistakes in parenting Sarah out of that guilt and shame. I just hope that she will forgive me. I honesty hope she just won't remember. For awhile, I felt like I was babysitting, I didn't feel like she was my daughter. I loved her and would of done whatever it took to take care of her, but NOW I feel like she is mine! She was meant for to be my daughter and I now feel we are connected in a way that I have never felt before.  I LOVE her! She inspires me to be a more compassionate, resilient, loving person. Things are beginning to feel normal and GOOD between Todd and I again.  I think that for awhile, I resented him. I resented him going to work, going to band practice, just moving on with his life when I was at home all day with a clingy, anxious little girl. He didn't understand, I was embarrassed to say how I really felt. He was trying, but it just wasn't good enough for me. It is better now and when things are good between us, life is just better. 

Sometimes I think that I am too honest about the way I have felt through this journey, but it is just who I am. I need to be honest. It helps....

Here are some holiday pictures...

Excited....

I am so excited about decorating our house and tree tomorrow. This is going to be the best Christmas ever. Sarah and I were at Target and when we walked by the Christmas trees, she was in awe. We are going to have so much fun. I can't wait to Christmas shop for her. I want to make sure that we don't go overboard with buying her presents. I want her to know what the Christmas season is really about. I have been telling her that Christmas is Jesus' birthday and she will say, "Jesus" and shake her head.  Thanksgiving went well. She was overwhelmed at times, but we managed. She had a great time spending time with Todd's family. We also got to meet my sister and spend the afternoon with her and my nieces. It was  one of the highlights of the trip.

I have been feeling much better the the last few days. I have just decided not to put so much pressure on myself to finish school next semester. If I don't give myself permission to slow down, then I won't ever finish. I have come to realize that everything I am doing right now expands emotional energy and my bucket is empty. I am working on putting some things in place that will help fill up my "bucket." It is hard to deal with the stress of life if I have no reserve. 

The last week or so Sarah's language has greatly improved. It is almost like everything is just falling into place for her. We are STILL wanting on a speech therapy evaluation. I am getting frustrated. I hope it happens soon. 

Oh, yeah, Sarah is suppose to get her cast off on Monday. We went to the doctor the Monday before Thanksgiving and her cast was taken off, x-rays were done, and the doctor put it back on. It was awful. The poor little girl was so upset, she screamed and cried until she almost made herself sick. Todd is going with us on Monday....Thank God!! Here are some updated pictures of our little family. 

Madness….

Things have been so stressful the last few weeks! Todd’s mother passed away last week. It is sad. We knew that Carolyn had cancer and we never expected her to pass so soon. Todd seems to be doing okay. I am not sure that it has hit him yet. I think the impact of him losing his mother will hit him when we go to West Virginia around Thanksgiving. We have never traveled with Sarah so I am not sure how all of that will go. I am concerned that it will be difficult for her. She gets over stimulated easily and I hope that she can manage those feelings. I am trying to learn ways to help her manage those feelings. We are still learning each other. This week marks our four months together as a family. My life before Sarah is becoming a distant memory. I think that I am beginning to accept the differences in my life before Sarah and my life now. I have been less and less frustrated with things being different. I think we are getting into a groove. Sarah is beginning to understand more and more of what we say. The problem is that we don’t understand much of what she says. It is hard because sometimes we don’t know what she needs or wants. We are still working on getting a speech, physical, and occupational therapy evaluation for Sarah. I think we are getting closer and closer getting that done. I think that it will help Sarah so much!! I am also working on finding a way for Sarah to spend more time with other children. She loves it and it is so good for her. I have been thinking this week about whether or not Sarah will be an only child. We have talked about adopting again, but right now the thought of adding another child to our family in the near future feels overwhelming. It would be so hard for Sarah right now. She is so jealous of us right now and I think that until she is settled and secure we can’t even begin to think about another adoption. I feel so conflicted about adopting again. We are older parents so bringing a little one into our family would be challenging, but also because we are older parents I wonder if we shouldn’t adopt another child so Sarah won’t be alone. Oh, I don’t know. I do know that I don’t have to decide right now.

Sarah’s surgery went well. She was such a trooper. Those of you that know Sarah won’t be surprise by this, but the nurses in the surgery room described Sarah as a “pill.” Apparently, she wasn’t happy being back there without us. She cried and cried in recover. It was so hard to see her so confused and upset. I don’t think that she even remembered what happened. She is getting along great with that cast. It is almost like she said to herself,  “I am not going to let this silly cast keep me down.” Of course, it is harder to do certain things with her with one hand, but she is adapting very well. I am hoping that she can get the cast taken off on the 22^nd. The doctor said that it was a possibility that she could get it off in two weeks if the surgery wasn’t complicated. The doctor said that it wasn’t complicated so I am hoping that she can get it off sooner than later. The cast is so heavy on her little body. When she runs or walks fast, she becomes unbalanced. I am so thankful that she went through the surgery so well. She amazes me. She just keeps plugging along. She has gone through more traumas in her little life than most adults have…three families, an open heart surgery, moving to another country, and dealing with so many changes. At times, when all that is on the forefront of my mind and heart, I give into Sarah and try to accommodate all of her needs and wants. I don't want for her to be upset. That is not good because it creates confusion and frustration. She needs discipline, loving discipline, but discipline none the less. It needs to be constant. Sometimes, I let her get away with things when I feel sad for her or am able to handle it, but when I am tired or frustrated; I have a tendency to discipline quicker and maybe when stricter. I came to this realization last night while talking with Todd. Some of Sarah’s behaviors are my fault or at least I have made it confusing to her. I am going to work on it. I am going to be working on something about myself forever, aren’t I? I will never just arrive….