Special Needs...

According to China, Sarah is"special needs" because of her heart condition and her extra thumb, which she no longer has. Sarah has been to the cardiologist and the doctor says to treat her as a normal child, that she is fine! We are so blessed that she is healthy. Day to day, Sarah heart condition is not an issue. She is so active and healthy. Sarah's real special need is that she is 2 years old and we are her third family. Her broken heart is her special need. Sarah is so resilient. Day to day she is happy, adjusting, and becoming more and more attached to us. Her grief comes out mostly at night. It is getting better, but when we first got home she would have terrible night terrors a couple of nights a week. She would be asleep, but be crying out for what I imagined was her foster mother. She can be so clingy that we have to spend all day holding her or carrying her. Although, she loves to be held, she wouldn't be vulnerable enough to cuddle or snuggle. That is getting better. She is be more snugly with both Todd and I. She is independently playing herself more and more. She is comfortable staying with a select few people that we will leave her with. She use to scream and cry when we left. She is getting so much better, but my heart still breaks for her! She deserves to have a forever family and NOW she has a forever family!

We will love and adore her forever!

Here are some updated pictures.....

Things I said I would never do.....

It is so easy to say what you would and wouldn't do BEFORE you become a parent. I always had an opinion on certain parenting techniques before becoming Sarah's mommy and now...well, to say the least my opinion has changed. In some instances my opinion changed out of survival, desperation, or that I just didn't know enough to have an opinion before. Here are some of things that have changed:

1. Co-sleeping: Miss Sarah has been sleeping with us almost every night since Thanksgiving. She always begins her night in her bed, but usually around 2 or 3, she cries out and wants to sleep with us and we let her. I have slept better in the last two months then I have since she came home. Before her  sleeping with us, I would be up sometimes 5-6 times a night attempting to comfort Sarah. Now, she is only up one time a night and that is when she comes into our bed. I have to admit, I love the feeling of that little girl snuggling against my body. 

2. Candy: When we are shopping, I almost always give Sarah a lollipop so she will stay in the cart. I was always one of those people that said, "My child will listen to me, I am not going to bride her." Well, I guess I am eating my own words. I justify in my mind that at least they are organic, "good for you" candy. It is amazes how much I can live in denial! :)

3. Showering: I never thought I would shower with my daughter. I do sometimes. She loves it and quite honestly, it is easier. 

4. TV: I have started to let Sarah watch some TV. I can't decide if I feel guilty about this or not. She watches Snow White and Nick Jr., that is it. She has watched Snow White everyday for the last month. Snow White is my favorite, but I am so tired of watching it. Last night, Sarah kissed me on the head the same way that Snow White kisses the dwarfs. It was so sweet. 

I think that I have learned once again, that you don't know what you will do into you are in that situation.:):)

On another note, things are so much better here. I think sleeping  regularly has helped. Our attachment is going well. I think that I was suffering from depression and didn't even realize how anxious and sad I felt until I have begun to feel better. I felt so guilty that I missed my old life. I felt like a horrible person and mother. I would look at this beautiful child who had been through so much and was disappointed in myself that I ever felt even one "bad" feeling about her or my new life. The guilt was overwhelming. I know that I have made some mistakes in parenting Sarah out of that guilt and shame. I just hope that she will forgive me. I honesty hope she just won't remember. For awhile, I felt like I was babysitting, I didn't feel like she was my daughter. I loved her and would of done whatever it took to take care of her, but NOW I feel like she is mine! She was meant for to be my daughter and I now feel we are connected in a way that I have never felt before.  I LOVE her! She inspires me to be a more compassionate, resilient, loving person. Things are beginning to feel normal and GOOD between Todd and I again.  I think that for awhile, I resented him. I resented him going to work, going to band practice, just moving on with his life when I was at home all day with a clingy, anxious little girl. He didn't understand, I was embarrassed to say how I really felt. He was trying, but it just wasn't good enough for me. It is better now and when things are good between us, life is just better. 

Sometimes I think that I am too honest about the way I have felt through this journey, but it is just who I am. I need to be honest. It helps....

Here are some holiday pictures...

Excited....

I am so excited about decorating our house and tree tomorrow. This is going to be the best Christmas ever. Sarah and I were at Target and when we walked by the Christmas trees, she was in awe. We are going to have so much fun. I can't wait to Christmas shop for her. I want to make sure that we don't go overboard with buying her presents. I want her to know what the Christmas season is really about. I have been telling her that Christmas is Jesus' birthday and she will say, "Jesus" and shake her head.  Thanksgiving went well. She was overwhelmed at times, but we managed. She had a great time spending time with Todd's family. We also got to meet my sister and spend the afternoon with her and my nieces. It was  one of the highlights of the trip.

I have been feeling much better the the last few days. I have just decided not to put so much pressure on myself to finish school next semester. If I don't give myself permission to slow down, then I won't ever finish. I have come to realize that everything I am doing right now expands emotional energy and my bucket is empty. I am working on putting some things in place that will help fill up my "bucket." It is hard to deal with the stress of life if I have no reserve. 

The last week or so Sarah's language has greatly improved. It is almost like everything is just falling into place for her. We are STILL wanting on a speech therapy evaluation. I am getting frustrated. I hope it happens soon. 

Oh, yeah, Sarah is suppose to get her cast off on Monday. We went to the doctor the Monday before Thanksgiving and her cast was taken off, x-rays were done, and the doctor put it back on. It was awful. The poor little girl was so upset, she screamed and cried until she almost made herself sick. Todd is going with us on Monday....Thank God!! Here are some updated pictures of our little family.