Madness….

Things have been so stressful the last few weeks! Todd’s mother passed away last week. It is sad. We knew that Carolyn had cancer and we never expected her to pass so soon. Todd seems to be doing okay. I am not sure that it has hit him yet. I think the impact of him losing his mother will hit him when we go to West Virginia around Thanksgiving. We have never traveled with Sarah so I am not sure how all of that will go. I am concerned that it will be difficult for her. She gets over stimulated easily and I hope that she can manage those feelings. I am trying to learn ways to help her manage those feelings. We are still learning each other. This week marks our four months together as a family. My life before Sarah is becoming a distant memory. I think that I am beginning to accept the differences in my life before Sarah and my life now. I have been less and less frustrated with things being different. I think we are getting into a groove. Sarah is beginning to understand more and more of what we say. The problem is that we don’t understand much of what she says. It is hard because sometimes we don’t know what she needs or wants. We are still working on getting a speech, physical, and occupational therapy evaluation for Sarah. I think we are getting closer and closer getting that done. I think that it will help Sarah so much!! I am also working on finding a way for Sarah to spend more time with other children. She loves it and it is so good for her. I have been thinking this week about whether or not Sarah will be an only child. We have talked about adopting again, but right now the thought of adding another child to our family in the near future feels overwhelming. It would be so hard for Sarah right now. She is so jealous of us right now and I think that until she is settled and secure we can’t even begin to think about another adoption. I feel so conflicted about adopting again. We are older parents so bringing a little one into our family would be challenging, but also because we are older parents I wonder if we shouldn’t adopt another child so Sarah won’t be alone. Oh, I don’t know. I do know that I don’t have to decide right now.

Sarah’s surgery went well. She was such a trooper. Those of you that know Sarah won’t be surprise by this, but the nurses in the surgery room described Sarah as a “pill.” Apparently, she wasn’t happy being back there without us. She cried and cried in recover. It was so hard to see her so confused and upset. I don’t think that she even remembered what happened. She is getting along great with that cast. It is almost like she said to herself,  “I am not going to let this silly cast keep me down.” Of course, it is harder to do certain things with her with one hand, but she is adapting very well. I am hoping that she can get the cast taken off on the 22^nd. The doctor said that it was a possibility that she could get it off in two weeks if the surgery wasn’t complicated. The doctor said that it wasn’t complicated so I am hoping that she can get it off sooner than later. The cast is so heavy on her little body. When she runs or walks fast, she becomes unbalanced. I am so thankful that she went through the surgery so well. She amazes me. She just keeps plugging along. She has gone through more traumas in her little life than most adults have…three families, an open heart surgery, moving to another country, and dealing with so many changes. At times, when all that is on the forefront of my mind and heart, I give into Sarah and try to accommodate all of her needs and wants. I don't want for her to be upset. That is not good because it creates confusion and frustration. She needs discipline, loving discipline, but discipline none the less. It needs to be constant. Sometimes, I let her get away with things when I feel sad for her or am able to handle it, but when I am tired or frustrated; I have a tendency to discipline quicker and maybe when stricter. I came to this realization last night while talking with Todd. Some of Sarah’s behaviors are my fault or at least I have made it confusing to her. I am going to work on it. I am going to be working on something about myself forever, aren’t I? I will never just arrive….

Anxiety….

I have been having so much anxiety lately that I often wake up in the middle of the night….worrying. Sarah has been sleeping all night and I have been awake. How frustrating. I am concerned about Sarah’s surgery. It is on November 8^th. I am not necessarily concerned about anything happening to her, but I am worried that she is going to be so frustrated wearing a cast. I know that she will be in some pain, but she is TOUGH, right? A mother never wants to see her baby in pain. I am concerned that the surgery may hinder some of the attachment progress that we have made. Our attachment seems to loom over every decision that we make. Today, I was frustrated and I yelled at Sarah. She was whining and whining and I just couldn’t take it anymore. I felt guilty. I apologized to her, but I don’t think that she understood what I was saying. I know that yelling isn’t productive. I wish I didn’t get so frustrated. I feel inadequate most of the time. I want to be the mother that Sarah needs so much.  I know that attachment is a process and that we haven't even been home for four months yet. I think that I expect too much. I need to slow down. I need to let the process happen and trust God. I just want to be the mommy needs! Often, I don’t know what she needs. Her not being able to communicate with us is much more difficult than I thought it would be. We are trying to get a speech and physical evaluation for Sarah. The early interventionist is supposed to set it up, but she said that everyone is full. I know she is trying and I don’t blame her, but the overall system is messed up. Sarah needs the services and they should be provided for her in a timely manner. Todd is on a new work schedule. He gets home an hour later each day, but he has every other Monday off. Of course, I go to my internship site on Monday afternoon so I don’t even get to spend the day with him and Sarah. I am so tired of school. It just isn’t a priority for me anymore. I want to enjoy it, but I don’t. I probably should have taken the semester off, but I was afraid that I would never go back. I know going to school was something that God wanted me to do, but it is so hard right now! Todd and I never get to spend much time together anymore. I miss him. We went out for the first time last weekend alone. It was so wonderful. My parents watched Sarah so we didn’t have to worry about her. We are going to try and go out once a month! I hope that we can. We need to. It is good for us and good for Sarah to see us enjoy each other. I feel like this post is full of complaints…I am sorry! Here are some updated pictures of my beauty…..

The last week has been pretty good. Sarah and I are getting in a groove. For some reason, I didn’t feel like we connected much today, but overall things are getting better and better everyday. I think she is beginning to trust me and I am learning to love her the way she needs. She is growing and growing. So many of her clothes are too small. I have had the pleasure doing some clothes shopping for her. I know that I am bias, but she looks cute is everything. Her face is even changing. I know this sounds silly, but sometimes she looks like a little woman. We took her to Toys R Us over the weekend. She was so excited. The poor thing got so excited, she became overwhelmed. I think that Sarah has some sensory issues when she is in wide, open spaces with a lot going on. She is like that at church sometimes too. I believe that this is something that we can overcome. I just don’t think she has experienced many things/places. This weekend we are attending a picnic with other adoptive families. I am excited; I hope we have a good time. Maybe Sarah will meet some other children her age.  We are trying to find ways for her to have the chance to interact with other children. I am sure she is getting tired of just playing with just mommy all the time. Our anniversary is this week… the 13^th. We have been married for 9 years. Wow…it doesn’t seem like that long. I am so thankful that we got married. I love being married. Sure, it’s work, but so worth. People give up so easily on their marriages these days. I know that sounds judgmental, but I don’t think it is that hard to be married. It is about acceptance, forgiveness, and commitment. Love helps, of course, but love is easy. Commitment is hard. Real forgiveness…and letting go is hard. Todd is easy to be married to. I am not so sure I am at times. I can be demanding and unforgiving at times, but I am working on it. I am so much better than I use to be. God has grown me and matured me in that area the last few years. So, Happy Anniversary Todd. I love you more and more each year.

I have been missing my college friends so much lately. What a wonderful time in my life. I had so much freedom. I have to admit, I miss that free, carefree life sometimes. I miss being around people that I don’t have to explain myself to, they already know and accept me. We talked about having an informal reunion in June. I hope we do, it would be so much fun!! I talked to Juanita today…she is one of my best friends. We went to college together. She is so easy to talk to. She understands me and loves me anyway.

Here is one new pictures of our Sarah…she is such a beauty. What are we going to do when she is a teenager??