Madness….

Things have been so stressful the last few weeks! Todd’s mother passed away last week. It is sad. We knew that Carolyn had cancer and we never expected her to pass so soon. Todd seems to be doing okay. I am not sure that it has hit him yet. I think the impact of him losing his mother will hit him when we go to West Virginia around Thanksgiving. We have never traveled with Sarah so I am not sure how all of that will go. I am concerned that it will be difficult for her. She gets over stimulated easily and I hope that she can manage those feelings. I am trying to learn ways to help her manage those feelings. We are still learning each other. This week marks our four months together as a family. My life before Sarah is becoming a distant memory. I think that I am beginning to accept the differences in my life before Sarah and my life now. I have been less and less frustrated with things being different. I think we are getting into a groove. Sarah is beginning to understand more and more of what we say. The problem is that we don’t understand much of what she says. It is hard because sometimes we don’t know what she needs or wants. We are still working on getting a speech, physical, and occupational therapy evaluation for Sarah. I think we are getting closer and closer getting that done. I think that it will help Sarah so much!! I am also working on finding a way for Sarah to spend more time with other children. She loves it and it is so good for her. I have been thinking this week about whether or not Sarah will be an only child. We have talked about adopting again, but right now the thought of adding another child to our family in the near future feels overwhelming. It would be so hard for Sarah right now. She is so jealous of us right now and I think that until she is settled and secure we can’t even begin to think about another adoption. I feel so conflicted about adopting again. We are older parents so bringing a little one into our family would be challenging, but also because we are older parents I wonder if we shouldn’t adopt another child so Sarah won’t be alone. Oh, I don’t know. I do know that I don’t have to decide right now.

Sarah’s surgery went well. She was such a trooper. Those of you that know Sarah won’t be surprise by this, but the nurses in the surgery room described Sarah as a “pill.” Apparently, she wasn’t happy being back there without us. She cried and cried in recover. It was so hard to see her so confused and upset. I don’t think that she even remembered what happened. She is getting along great with that cast. It is almost like she said to herself,  “I am not going to let this silly cast keep me down.” Of course, it is harder to do certain things with her with one hand, but she is adapting very well. I am hoping that she can get the cast taken off on the 22^nd. The doctor said that it was a possibility that she could get it off in two weeks if the surgery wasn’t complicated. The doctor said that it wasn’t complicated so I am hoping that she can get it off sooner than later. The cast is so heavy on her little body. When she runs or walks fast, she becomes unbalanced. I am so thankful that she went through the surgery so well. She amazes me. She just keeps plugging along. She has gone through more traumas in her little life than most adults have…three families, an open heart surgery, moving to another country, and dealing with so many changes. At times, when all that is on the forefront of my mind and heart, I give into Sarah and try to accommodate all of her needs and wants. I don't want for her to be upset. That is not good because it creates confusion and frustration. She needs discipline, loving discipline, but discipline none the less. It needs to be constant. Sometimes, I let her get away with things when I feel sad for her or am able to handle it, but when I am tired or frustrated; I have a tendency to discipline quicker and maybe when stricter. I came to this realization last night while talking with Todd. Some of Sarah’s behaviors are my fault or at least I have made it confusing to her. I am going to work on it. I am going to be working on something about myself forever, aren’t I? I will never just arrive….