Anxiety….

I have been having so much anxiety lately that I often wake up in the middle of the night….worrying. Sarah has been sleeping all night and I have been awake. How frustrating. I am concerned about Sarah’s surgery. It is on November 8^th. I am not necessarily concerned about anything happening to her, but I am worried that she is going to be so frustrated wearing a cast. I know that she will be in some pain, but she is TOUGH, right? A mother never wants to see her baby in pain. I am concerned that the surgery may hinder some of the attachment progress that we have made. Our attachment seems to loom over every decision that we make. Today, I was frustrated and I yelled at Sarah. She was whining and whining and I just couldn’t take it anymore. I felt guilty. I apologized to her, but I don’t think that she understood what I was saying. I know that yelling isn’t productive. I wish I didn’t get so frustrated. I feel inadequate most of the time. I want to be the mother that Sarah needs so much.  I know that attachment is a process and that we haven't even been home for four months yet. I think that I expect too much. I need to slow down. I need to let the process happen and trust God. I just want to be the mommy needs! Often, I don’t know what she needs. Her not being able to communicate with us is much more difficult than I thought it would be. We are trying to get a speech and physical evaluation for Sarah. The early interventionist is supposed to set it up, but she said that everyone is full. I know she is trying and I don’t blame her, but the overall system is messed up. Sarah needs the services and they should be provided for her in a timely manner. Todd is on a new work schedule. He gets home an hour later each day, but he has every other Monday off. Of course, I go to my internship site on Monday afternoon so I don’t even get to spend the day with him and Sarah. I am so tired of school. It just isn’t a priority for me anymore. I want to enjoy it, but I don’t. I probably should have taken the semester off, but I was afraid that I would never go back. I know going to school was something that God wanted me to do, but it is so hard right now! Todd and I never get to spend much time together anymore. I miss him. We went out for the first time last weekend alone. It was so wonderful. My parents watched Sarah so we didn’t have to worry about her. We are going to try and go out once a month! I hope that we can. We need to. It is good for us and good for Sarah to see us enjoy each other. I feel like this post is full of complaints…I am sorry! Here are some updated pictures of my beauty…..

The last week has been pretty good. Sarah and I are getting in a groove. For some reason, I didn’t feel like we connected much today, but overall things are getting better and better everyday. I think she is beginning to trust me and I am learning to love her the way she needs. She is growing and growing. So many of her clothes are too small. I have had the pleasure doing some clothes shopping for her. I know that I am bias, but she looks cute is everything. Her face is even changing. I know this sounds silly, but sometimes she looks like a little woman. We took her to Toys R Us over the weekend. She was so excited. The poor thing got so excited, she became overwhelmed. I think that Sarah has some sensory issues when she is in wide, open spaces with a lot going on. She is like that at church sometimes too. I believe that this is something that we can overcome. I just don’t think she has experienced many things/places. This weekend we are attending a picnic with other adoptive families. I am excited; I hope we have a good time. Maybe Sarah will meet some other children her age.  We are trying to find ways for her to have the chance to interact with other children. I am sure she is getting tired of just playing with just mommy all the time. Our anniversary is this week… the 13^th. We have been married for 9 years. Wow…it doesn’t seem like that long. I am so thankful that we got married. I love being married. Sure, it’s work, but so worth. People give up so easily on their marriages these days. I know that sounds judgmental, but I don’t think it is that hard to be married. It is about acceptance, forgiveness, and commitment. Love helps, of course, but love is easy. Commitment is hard. Real forgiveness…and letting go is hard. Todd is easy to be married to. I am not so sure I am at times. I can be demanding and unforgiving at times, but I am working on it. I am so much better than I use to be. God has grown me and matured me in that area the last few years. So, Happy Anniversary Todd. I love you more and more each year.

I have been missing my college friends so much lately. What a wonderful time in my life. I had so much freedom. I have to admit, I miss that free, carefree life sometimes. I miss being around people that I don’t have to explain myself to, they already know and accept me. We talked about having an informal reunion in June. I hope we do, it would be so much fun!! I talked to Juanita today…she is one of my best friends. We went to college together. She is so easy to talk to. She understands me and loves me anyway.

Here is one new pictures of our Sarah…she is such a beauty. What are we going to do when she is a teenager??

I know, I know I am so far behind….

Things are going well with Miss Sarah. She is such a sweet, sassy little girl! She is picking up the language more and more and she is sleeping all night most nights. We had Sarah evaluated by Early Invention and she is about 10-11 months behind her actual age. Of course, her being behind in her speech is a huge part of all of this. She is going to be evaluated by speech, occupational, and physical therapists. I am excited about her getting the help she needs. I know she will catch up. I am amazed how much she has changed since July 11^th. She sometimes seems like a different child. One of the programs that are offered by EI is a mom morning out on Tuesdays. This would offer Sarah some socialization time with other children and it is a place where she can she can work on her speech and social skills. At first, I wasn’t going to let her go, but I think I may. She would love it and it would give me some time to myself to do homework or shop. I have class every other Tuesday so she would only attend every other Tuesday.

Sarah is having surgery to remove his extra thumb on November 8^th. She will be in a cast on 3-4 weeks. The cast will go up to her shoulder. I know…that seems crazy doesn’t it? The doctor said that if he only casted her to her elbow, she would take the cast off. I know that she will be okay, but I wish that she didn’t have to go through all of that. I know that I will be worried that day, but right now, I am okay with it. Let’s pray that she doesn’t use the cast as a weapon! J

One of the hardest things about adopting Sarah is the stress it has put on Todd’s and I relationship. We were so used to doing our own thing and spending as much time as we wanted to together. I miss that time with him. I have been feeling lonely lately. I miss work and my freedom. I love Sarah and am so grateful, but I miss my old life sometimes. Honestly, I feel like my life has changed so much more than Todd’s has. It isn’t his fault, but it is true. I am grateful for my time at home with Sarah, but it is hard sometimes. Being a parent is hard, lovely, heartbreaking, frustrating, fulfilling, and wonderful! I don’t think that women often feel the freedom to express how hard it is to be a mother. It is hard for dads too.

Let me share one of the sweetest moments of my life….last night when I was rocking my Sarah to sleep, she was laying on my chest, sat up and proceeded to kiss my lips, cheeks, nose, and forehead. She moved my face side to side and smiled sweetly at me. I think Sarah wants to take care of me sometimes. She is lovely….!

I promise to try and write more often!!