Sometimes I just don’t know what to do….

Let me start off by saying that I love Sarah more than I could ever imagine loving anyone. She is so sweet, smart, funny, and beautiful, but sometimes she is just difficult. In the Chinese adoption community, girls that are sassy are often called “spicy.” Well, Sarah is spicy. I am not sure that I have done such a great job disciplining and teaching her appropriate behavior. Sarah lived with a foster family after leaving her biological for about 18 months before we brought her home. They were an older couple who loved and adored Sarah, but she was the “queen bee.” She wasn’t disciplined or corrected. Although, that made it harder for us, we are so thankful she was loved so much. That is what is most important. When we first came home with Sarah, we didn’t do much disciplining. We concentrated on attachment and bonding and frankly, we didn’t know what to do. I believe that I went through a period of depressed when we got home. I was lonely and felt defeated in the parenting realm. Now, a year and a half later, I am no longer depressed or lonely. I love being home with Sarah. I am enjoying not being on a strict schedule and was able to finish grad school in the meantime. However, Sarah’s behavior is challenging at times. She is so strong willed. She decided what she wants and that is it. She hardly ever compiles on the first request. Sometimes, she will tell me “I boss, mommy!” Wow. Of course, I challenged her thinking and she eventually agreed that Daddy and Mommy are the boss. I have searched my heart and mind (and lots of parenting books) recently and realized that I have made two big mistakes when it comes to parenting Sarah. The first one is that I often take Sarah’s behavior personally. I feel like it is a reflection on me and my parenting skills. There have been times when I feel like she is doing something to me and not appreciating what I am trying to do for her. Immature, I know, but that is how I feel sometimes. I also have a tendency to ask Sarah over and over again to do something (or not to do something) before implementing any consequences. So by the time I have gotten to the 5 or 6 time of asking her to stop, we are both frustrated and angry. I have behaved in some ways towards Sarah that I am not proud of. I haven’t been as patient or sweet as I should of been. I have a tendency to get into a cycle of feeling guilty and that isn’t helpful at all.

So, I am trying to change the way I discipline her. For the some part, we have good days, but the bad ones can be exhausting and intense. I love that Sarah is strong willed. I don’t think I am going to have to worry about people taking advantage of her, but it is hard to parent that part of her personality. I don’t want to change her, but she needs to learn to listen. Sometimes we are telling her to do things for her own safety. She can’t be rebellious her whole life, that won’t make her happy and content in the long run.

I wish she had come with step by step directions. If all it took to be a good parent was to love our children, then I would be the best parent in the world! I love her and she is the greatest blessing God has ever given me. Even with all of her spiciness, I would not trade her for any other little one in the world!

Hope everyone is getting ready for Christmas. All we have left to do is wrap Sarah’s gifts and Todd is graciously taking care of that.

Merry Christmas! Enjoy your time with your family and friends!

 Decorating the tree the day after Thanksgiving. Sarah insisted on wearing her ballerina outfit for the occasion. She is a beauty!

The most wonderful time of the year….

I was listening to the radio yesterday and heard the song about this being the most wonderful time of the year. Is it really? This time of year is so much more wonderful with Sarah. She is much more excited about this holiday season than she was last year. She is beginning to get excited about Christmas. She is having parties at school, going to see Christmas lights, decorating the house, and getting excited about “resents.” Although, I am enjoying this time of year, I know it is such a hard time of year for so many people. I have a dear, dear friend that lost her daughter and this time of year is so depressing for her. It is heartbreaking. I have a tendency to get caught up with the busyness of the season. I worry about whether or not I am buying the right gift, if I am decorating enough, or if everyone is having is happy. I am trying to stay in the moment this year. I am trying to relax, enjoy my family and friends, and make memories. We are also trying to teach Sarah the real meaning of Christmas. We don’t want to think that Christmas is just about gifts, but about celebrating the birth and life of Jesus and the family and friends we love so much. So, my friends, enjoy this time of year.  Love freely. Be generous with your time. Live in the moment. I am going to try to do the same!

Hugs and Kisses…..

Even from the moment that we met Sarah, she allowed us to hold her, but she didn’t’ reciprocate affection. Sarah would sit on our laps, but if we tried to put our arms around her, she would push us away. Sometimes we would ask for a hug or a kiss and she would firmly say. “no.” We knew intellectually that this was part of the attachment process and that it would take time for her to trust us, but it was hard. We wanted to snuggle and cuddle with her, but she wasn't ready. Slowly, she started to warm up. At first, Sarah wouldn’t even lay with us to nap. Last November, she started to feel comfortable enough to sleep with  us, but she would lay on at the end of the bed. She wouldn’t snuggle up between us. Now, she will snuggle and cuddle with us. She gives affection freely without us initiating it. She asks to be a “snuggle bunny.” Todd and I are affectionate people so we love this side of Sarah. Sometimes during the day, she will walk over to me, kiss me, and say “wuv you” or she will ask me to hold her hand will we are driving. She is so sweet. She loves snuggling with her daddy. She runs to him if she is scared and she asks him to hold her. She is also feeling secure enough to allow herself to attach to other adults in her life. That is such a good sign of healthy attachment. Sarah is such a lovely, complicated little girl and I am so glad she is our daughter. 

I am getting so excited for the holidays this year! Last year was our first holiday season with Sarah, but she was still so young and didn't really get into the celebrating. This year seems different, she was excited about Halloween. She loved her costume and trick or treating.  She was so excited that she could just go up to a house, ring the doorbell, say "trick or treat" and gets some candy. When she received candy at the first house she looked at us and said "Wow!" She was so sweet and polite to every house she went to. All three of us had a great time. We are trying to decide what to get Sarah for Christmas. We are not into giving lots of presents. Sarah really isn't into presents. She is a simply kind of girl. Honestly, I am not sure she know she can ask for things. Mostly, she asks for food or candy. :) The other day when we were at Target, she saw a Christmas tree, ran up to it and was excited. She loved our tree last year. I want to begin our decorating the day after Thanksgiving. The holidays are so much more fun and exciting having Sarah. I used to be so depressed that time of year. My heart ached for a child. I am so thankful for Sarah. She is so lovely! 

 

Before and After….

I have heard people say that they don’t remember what life was like before their children. I have also heard mothers say they forget the pain of childbirth once they see the sweet face of their little one. Adoptive parents say “Oh, you will never remember the wait once you have your child.”

I still remember and sometimes miss my life before Sarah and I remember the long, agonizing wait for her. It was a lonely, sad time. Of course, the pain isn’t as raw because we now have our wonderful little Sarah, but I remember.

I even remember life before getting married. I had some wonderful times with my friends and family. I remember watching Juanita dance and sing Little Mermaid songs in our dorm room. I remember eating all of my meals with Jennifer, Jen, and Danielle and never running out of things to talk about. I remember all of our talks about the boys in our lives. I remember talking to Ryan for hours about all of our troubles and dreams. I remember Lori being like the big sister I never had. I remember spending the night weekend at Jen and Bryan's after college. I remember grocery shopping with her and making dinner like “real grown ups.” I love remembering all of those times. They were wonderful and somewhat magical. Those lovely friends had help defined who I am today.

I remember the hard, but sweet times I spent with my younger sister and her daughter. I also remember Todd and Maria before Todd, Maria, and Sarah. I remember traveling and doing whatever we wanted. I remember sleeping in and hanging out with friends without having to plan for a babysitter or carrying a million bags to go out to eat. I remember going on two separate mission trips with him and my church family and feeling the privilege of helping others. I remember working, feeling challenged, and loving the people I worked with.

AND…YES, sometimes I miss those times. Sometimes I want to travel back  but I would be missing out on the greatest, most lovely blessing of my life…Sarah. I would be missing out on her beautiful smile, her silly monkey sounds, her sweet, tight hugs, and her sassy “I am going to do it my way” personality. I would miss out on her resilience and drive to be successful. Most importantly, I would miss out on the love we share. She has challenged me to think about who I am. Sometimes I don’t like who I see, but she has taught me and is teaching me to be a kinder, more compassionate, less judgmental person.

I used to feel guilty for missing those times or missing my job, but I don’t anymore.  It was a part of my life journey, just like she is. I will forever be grateful for the presence of so many wonderful people in my life and I will forever be in awe of the blessing God gave me in Sarah. 

The silly things people say….

 People ask me the silliest things about Sarah. Sometimes I have something clever to say back and sometimes I have no idea how to respond. Let me share some of them:

“Is she your REAL daughter?” I capitalized the world “real” because people often emphasize that word when asking. I always say, “Yes, she is.” One time I said. “Yes, she is REAL and she is my daughter.”

“How much did she cost?” My usual response is “probably the same amount, it cost to give birth to a child.” I never know what to say to that.

“Does she know she is adopted?” or “Are you going to tell her she is adopted? I always say “Yes” but often I want to say, “Really? Don’t you think she will eventually figure it out?”

“Did you adopt her because you couldn’t have children of your own?” Now really, nobody should ask such a personal question of a stranger. The first time a stranger (a cashier at Target) asked me that, I didn’t know what to say. The next time I was asked that question, I answered, “No, I adopted her because I love her.”

“Does she look like her father?” I have only been asked that twice and both times Todd wasn’t there so maybe it is a valid question. I could have a Chinese husband, but then she would look Chinese-American, not Chinese. My response both times was “I don’t know.” You can only imagine the looks I got. I wonder what they thought of me. 

“Why didn’t you adopt from the United States? Kids here need a home too.” My response is “Every child needs a home and this is the path God led us to.” It is hard to argue with God, isn’t it?

“She is from China, isn’t she? Isn’t that the country that doesn’t want girls?” I always try to explain how different the culture is in China. I don’t know if I do a great job, but I try.

I don’t mind people asking questions about Sarah and adoption in general. I am obviously a huge fan of adoption and I love talking about Sarah, but I wish that people would think about what they are asking, especially in front of Sarah. She may be only three but she understands more than people realize.

Sarah’s story is hers and it is personal. It is a story of courage, determination, and love. It is hard to understand how someone, I assume, her mother, could leave her on the steps of a public place in a basket at 8 months, but she did what she felt was best for Sarah. I can’t imagine living in a society where I had to make such a gut wrenching decision. I don’t know the reason she was abandoned. I speculate it was because of her heart condition, but I don’t know that for sure. What I do know is that my heart breaks for her biological and foster family. I don’t know anything about her biological family, but we do know some about her foster family and she was loved very much by them. I pray that somehow both of her families know that she is loved, cared for, and adored. God has blessed me more than I deserve.

Lots of stuff.....

Todd was gone for two weeks for work and he finally came home on Saturday. I was so glad to see him. We did good while he was gone. Our routine wasn't as scheduled so in some ways it was a little easier then when he is home. However, I had no back up. There was nobody here, but me and it was hard to be "on" all the time. Being a parent is hard. It is way harder than I thought it would be. I am learning (slowly) to give myself and Sarah more grace. I love that little girl so much. Her personality is coming out so much. She is funny and sassy! 
We decided to look for a new church. It was such a hard, sad decision. Nothing bad happened, we just felt like it was time to move on. We miss everyone, but still maintain relationships with a few families. We visited a new church this past Sunday. We liked it, the music was great and so was the sermon. We are looking for a church that has a strong childrens' ministry. We were at our church for 11 years and it was something we thought about for quite sometime. I grieved us leaving, but it is better now. We believe we made the right decision. 
We have made reservations to go to Folly Beach for three days in September. We are so excited. I can't wait to go. I hope that it will so fun and relaxing. We have never done a vacation like this with Sarah. It will be different, but good. There will be a time someday that Todd and I will be able to go away by ourselves again.  Sarah is not ready for that and I am not so sure I am either. 


Thanks for listening...
 

A year ago today....

A year ago we meet a beautiful, scared, confused little girl that would become our greatest blessing. I will never forget that day. We had just got to China that morning, we were so tried and anxious. The bus ride to meeting Sarah seemed like it took forever. Out of our travel group Sarah was the last little one to arrive. The poor baby was so upset, scared, and sad. She cried the entire ride back to the hotel and continued to cry for at least a hour. She was grieving for the family that took such good care of her for 18 months. Our hearts broke for her and them. I am sure that they miss Sarah so much. Sarah grieve the entire time when were in China and for a least month when we got home. Now, a year later she is still beautiful. She is strong, stubborn, smart, and so sweet. She has gained 8 pounds and grown 3 inches in the last year. She has changed so much...she almost seems like a different child. She is growing up so fast. I love her and can't imagine my life without her. At the end of my life, she will have taught me more about myself than I have taught her. She has changed me. She was God's perfect plan for our life. 

 She has changed so much. I got teary eyed when I saw that picture of her and Todd on the bus. It was so sad. Todd was so strong and sweet during our trip. His commitment to Sarah and our family has never wavered. Sarah is blessed to have a daddy that adores her so much.

The Big “A” in Adoption….

Attachment, attachment, attachment….

When you decide to adopt a little one, the topic of adoption is something that comes up with the adoption agency, your social worker, and other adoption families. I read books and articles on adoption before getting Sarah. Some of the books and article scared me.  I wondered of she would attach to us? Would she know how to attach? I managed to put some of those thoughts behind me and just prayed and hope that everything would be okay. When we got to China and found out that she had been in foster care, I knew that her living situation was going to help her to attach. She knew what a family looked liked. She had a mom and dad. She WAS attached and grieved for them. She grieved during our time in China and continued to when we got home. She would have night terrors and scream out for someone; I am assuming was her foster mother. It was heartbreaking to watch, but as far as attachment goes, it was a good sign. It meant that she COULD attach. On Monday, we will have been Sarah’s parents for a year. Is she attached? Yes, she is, but attachment is a process, not an event. Our attachment is something we will work on for a long time. Do I think that Sarah has some attachment issues? Sure, I do. We are her third family, who could she not? She knows we are her “people”; she comes to us for love, support, and comfort. She is secure with us leaving and coming back, but she is controlling and outright defiant at times. Those are some attachment issues. It is also part of her personality and age. Sometimes it is hard to know the difference, but don’t we, as adults, try to control situations and people when we are not secure? Sure we do and so does Sarah. Sometimes it gets better and sometimes we take steps backwards. Do I know what to do? Not always. I think it is normal for her circumstances, but I don’t always know how to move the process along. I love her and I pray that she will feel that. She attached to me quicker than she did to Todd, but I spend so much more time with her than he does. She is attached to him now. Do I worry about her attachment? I do, I worry about her so much. I am her mom. I think I am supposed to worry about her. Just being a parent is hard enough and then having this complication on top of it makes me dissect everything I do. I beat myself up for the mistakes I have made and wonder if it will effect our attachment. Sarah is a strong, strong girl. She will be okay…and so I will be.

Here are some updated pictures of our lovely!!!

So far so good…

I have made it to Wednesday and we are hanging in there. I am tired. Doing group therapy all day makes you tired. It has been an emotional week. Although, the class has been hard, I have enjoyed spending time with my classmates. Sarah has been clingy in the evening, but that is to be expected. She started back at preschool yesterday. She loves it. They are celebrating beach week this week so she is having lots of fun playing with water and sand. I was worried that some (or all) of my childcare arrangements would fall through, but so far so good. Sometimes, I miss working and wish I was still at my job, but yet this week, I have had such a hard time being away from Sarah. I guess I worry about her. I have enjoyed my adult time, but I think about her a lot. Working part time seems like it is the best of both worlds. That is what I am hoping for after graduation.

Hopefully we will end the week well! 

Maria

Next week….

Next week I am taking a week long extensive class. I will be in class from 8-5 Monday-Friday. Ugh. I am not looking forward to it at all. The class is group therapy, it is an application class. It will be a long, emotional week! I am worried about being away from Sarah. I am so afraid that she is going to feel abandoned or confused by my absence. I have never been away from her this much. I know that working mothers are away from their children during the week, but I guess I am just not use to it. I am use to being with her most of the time. I am sure that Sarah will be fine and I am the one with the separation anxiety.

So being away from Sarah is one issue, the other issue is getting up so early. One of my favorite things about being a SAHM is not having to “get up and go” at a certain time each day!

That brings me to what I have been thinking about lately…how I have I changed since adopting Sarah. My daily life has changed in so many ways. I no longer work outside our home. I am still in school and how I “do” school is different. It is hard to study with a little one running around. I study mostly at night when Todd and Sarah are sleeping. I hardly ever dress up anymore; I am usually in tennis shoes or flip flops. I hardly ever wake up to an alarm clock. I have changed the TV shows, movies, and music I listen to especially when little ears are around. I hardly ever shower by myself or without little eyes watching me. Todd always cooked before I began staying home. I actually don’t like to cook and I am not that good at it. I am getting better at it and don’t mind it as much. I do way more laundry than I use to. I have lost about 20 pounds since meeting Sarah. I guess I don’t sit around as much as I used to. I love play doh, finger painting, and coloring. Every grown up should spend some time with crayons and paints. My clothes always seem to have some sort of kid stain on them! We hardly go to a restaurant where we have to wait or wait for our food. Sarah isn’t patient enough for all of that. I spend lots of beautiful days at the park.

I have discovered so much about myself this past year. I am not as patient as I thought I was. I am way too emotional at times. I am not sure how to parent Sarah sometimes. I mess up. I sometimes have a hard time being a wife AND a mother. I love Sarah in a way I never thought imaginable. I am completely committed to her and her well-being. I am Sarah biggest advocate. I will fight for and with her. At the end of my life, she will have taught me more about myself than I have taught her. She has taught me so much already. She is my greatest blessing.

It felt good to express my feelings….Thanks for listening.

Maria

Too long....

It has been so long since I have updated our blog. I took five classes in the spring semester and I spent ALL of my free time studying, doing papers, or taking tests. The good thing I survived and actually did well. I am taking two classes this summer and one is the fall and I am DONE! When classes are done,  I will sit for my national board exam ( and hopefully pass) wait for my license and start looking for a job! I don't want to work full time. We have been talking about me working 15-20 hours a week. I am not sure I ever want to work full time again. I would if I had to, but I don't want to. :)

So, in a month from yesterday we have been Sarah's parents for a YEAR. I can't believe it. Time has gone by so fast. Life has changed do much! Sarah has changed so much. Here are same of the ways she has changed in a little less of a year:

She went from barely been able to walk independently to running, jumping, hopping, and riding a tricycle. 

Baths used to be HORRIBLE, she would scream and cry now she takes showers and sprays water in her face. 

She used to not be able to feed herself, now she can. She doesn't always want to, but she can. 

She didn't know how to color or draw, but now it is one of her favorite things to do. 

She used to never sleep through the night, now she mostly does (especially when she is sleeping with mommy and daddy). 

She couldn't speak any English, now we can understand most of what she is saying. She certainly understand everything we say. 

She never liked to cuddle, now she does. That is one of my favorite changes! 

She now says mommy and daddy and clearly know we are "her people." 

She recognizes people and places we see or visit often. 

She certainly does not listen as much as she used to. 

She is fiercely independent and at the ripe old age of three she knows everything! :) 

She is comfortable with us leaving her with a few select people and may even enjoy the time away from us. 

I can leave her to entertain herself in the other room for a short time.  

Of course there is so much more....she is a lovely, smart, sweet little girl!

I want to continue to keep the blog up. It feels therapeutic for me. I think I will write next on how much I have changed in the last year next. I have to process that a little before writing.  Thanks for reading!

My lovely......

Sarah had a cardiologist appointment yesterday. It was rough. She had to be sedated for her echo because little Miss Sarah won't cooperate. Even sedating her was rough. She fought the nurse with all of her thirty pound might. It was horrible to watch. I didn't even watch. She eventually fell asleep and they did an echo and EKG. She looked so beautiful laying there. Once she woke up, she got sick four and five times. I felt so bad for her. The doctor (who is wonderful by the way) told us that Sarah's aortic root is enlarged and he prescribed her some blood pressure medication that will hopefully stop the root from enlarging. Her blood pressure isn't high, however the medication has proved to help this condition. If the medication doesn't work, she may have to have the valve replaced. The doctor said that if she needed surgery, it probably wouldn't be for awhile. Sarah's two valves are also leaking, which is part of her defect. After yesterday, I have resolved to the fact that Sarah will have to have her valves replaced. The great thing is that these things are fixable. One of the hardest parts of all of this is that Sarah's is so scared of the doctors and procedures. She fights, screams, and cries. If she has to have surgery, we are hoping it is later than sooner so maybe she will understand more. The doctor said she has no restrictions and to treat her like a children with no problems. She is so strong and active. Nobody would ever know she was born with a heart defect unless you saw the scar on her lovely little chest. Yesterday was exhausting. Thank God Todd was able to come. I wouldn't of weathered quite as well if he wasn't there. 

The fun news is Sarah's birthday is March 6th and she is having a party on the 5th. I am excited. I am not even sure she has ever celebrated her birthday. She will have a great time and she deserves to be honored. I love her and her little personality. Her strong will makes us insane at times, but later in life, it will serve her well. 

It is so warm here today...I have flip flops on! Yay!

Special Needs...

According to China, Sarah is"special needs" because of her heart condition and her extra thumb, which she no longer has. Sarah has been to the cardiologist and the doctor says to treat her as a normal child, that she is fine! We are so blessed that she is healthy. Day to day, Sarah heart condition is not an issue. She is so active and healthy. Sarah's real special need is that she is 2 years old and we are her third family. Her broken heart is her special need. Sarah is so resilient. Day to day she is happy, adjusting, and becoming more and more attached to us. Her grief comes out mostly at night. It is getting better, but when we first got home she would have terrible night terrors a couple of nights a week. She would be asleep, but be crying out for what I imagined was her foster mother. She can be so clingy that we have to spend all day holding her or carrying her. Although, she loves to be held, she wouldn't be vulnerable enough to cuddle or snuggle. That is getting better. She is be more snugly with both Todd and I. She is independently playing herself more and more. She is comfortable staying with a select few people that we will leave her with. She use to scream and cry when we left. She is getting so much better, but my heart still breaks for her! She deserves to have a forever family and NOW she has a forever family!

We will love and adore her forever!

Here are some updated pictures.....

Things I said I would never do.....

It is so easy to say what you would and wouldn't do BEFORE you become a parent. I always had an opinion on certain parenting techniques before becoming Sarah's mommy and now...well, to say the least my opinion has changed. In some instances my opinion changed out of survival, desperation, or that I just didn't know enough to have an opinion before. Here are some of things that have changed:

1. Co-sleeping: Miss Sarah has been sleeping with us almost every night since Thanksgiving. She always begins her night in her bed, but usually around 2 or 3, she cries out and wants to sleep with us and we let her. I have slept better in the last two months then I have since she came home. Before her  sleeping with us, I would be up sometimes 5-6 times a night attempting to comfort Sarah. Now, she is only up one time a night and that is when she comes into our bed. I have to admit, I love the feeling of that little girl snuggling against my body. 

2. Candy: When we are shopping, I almost always give Sarah a lollipop so she will stay in the cart. I was always one of those people that said, "My child will listen to me, I am not going to bride her." Well, I guess I am eating my own words. I justify in my mind that at least they are organic, "good for you" candy. It is amazes how much I can live in denial! :)

3. Showering: I never thought I would shower with my daughter. I do sometimes. She loves it and quite honestly, it is easier. 

4. TV: I have started to let Sarah watch some TV. I can't decide if I feel guilty about this or not. She watches Snow White and Nick Jr., that is it. She has watched Snow White everyday for the last month. Snow White is my favorite, but I am so tired of watching it. Last night, Sarah kissed me on the head the same way that Snow White kisses the dwarfs. It was so sweet. 

I think that I have learned once again, that you don't know what you will do into you are in that situation.:):)

On another note, things are so much better here. I think sleeping  regularly has helped. Our attachment is going well. I think that I was suffering from depression and didn't even realize how anxious and sad I felt until I have begun to feel better. I felt so guilty that I missed my old life. I felt like a horrible person and mother. I would look at this beautiful child who had been through so much and was disappointed in myself that I ever felt even one "bad" feeling about her or my new life. The guilt was overwhelming. I know that I have made some mistakes in parenting Sarah out of that guilt and shame. I just hope that she will forgive me. I honesty hope she just won't remember. For awhile, I felt like I was babysitting, I didn't feel like she was my daughter. I loved her and would of done whatever it took to take care of her, but NOW I feel like she is mine! She was meant for to be my daughter and I now feel we are connected in a way that I have never felt before.  I LOVE her! She inspires me to be a more compassionate, resilient, loving person. Things are beginning to feel normal and GOOD between Todd and I again.  I think that for awhile, I resented him. I resented him going to work, going to band practice, just moving on with his life when I was at home all day with a clingy, anxious little girl. He didn't understand, I was embarrassed to say how I really felt. He was trying, but it just wasn't good enough for me. It is better now and when things are good between us, life is just better. 

Sometimes I think that I am too honest about the way I have felt through this journey, but it is just who I am. I need to be honest. It helps....

Here are some holiday pictures...