Before and After….

I have heard people say that they don’t remember what life was like before their children. I have also heard mothers say they forget the pain of childbirth once they see the sweet face of their little one. Adoptive parents say “Oh, you will never remember the wait once you have your child.”

I still remember and sometimes miss my life before Sarah and I remember the long, agonizing wait for her. It was a lonely, sad time. Of course, the pain isn’t as raw because we now have our wonderful little Sarah, but I remember.

I even remember life before getting married. I had some wonderful times with my friends and family. I remember watching Juanita dance and sing Little Mermaid songs in our dorm room. I remember eating all of my meals with Jennifer, Jen, and Danielle and never running out of things to talk about. I remember all of our talks about the boys in our lives. I remember talking to Ryan for hours about all of our troubles and dreams. I remember Lori being like the big sister I never had. I remember spending the night weekend at Jen and Bryan's after college. I remember grocery shopping with her and making dinner like “real grown ups.” I love remembering all of those times. They were wonderful and somewhat magical. Those lovely friends had help defined who I am today.

I remember the hard, but sweet times I spent with my younger sister and her daughter. I also remember Todd and Maria before Todd, Maria, and Sarah. I remember traveling and doing whatever we wanted. I remember sleeping in and hanging out with friends without having to plan for a babysitter or carrying a million bags to go out to eat. I remember going on two separate mission trips with him and my church family and feeling the privilege of helping others. I remember working, feeling challenged, and loving the people I worked with.

AND…YES, sometimes I miss those times. Sometimes I want to travel back  but I would be missing out on the greatest, most lovely blessing of my life…Sarah. I would be missing out on her beautiful smile, her silly monkey sounds, her sweet, tight hugs, and her sassy “I am going to do it my way” personality. I would miss out on her resilience and drive to be successful. Most importantly, I would miss out on the love we share. She has challenged me to think about who I am. Sometimes I don’t like who I see, but she has taught me and is teaching me to be a kinder, more compassionate, less judgmental person.

I used to feel guilty for missing those times or missing my job, but I don’t anymore.  It was a part of my life journey, just like she is. I will forever be grateful for the presence of so many wonderful people in my life and I will forever be in awe of the blessing God gave me in Sarah. 

The silly things people say….

 People ask me the silliest things about Sarah. Sometimes I have something clever to say back and sometimes I have no idea how to respond. Let me share some of them:

“Is she your REAL daughter?” I capitalized the world “real” because people often emphasize that word when asking. I always say, “Yes, she is.” One time I said. “Yes, she is REAL and she is my daughter.”

“How much did she cost?” My usual response is “probably the same amount, it cost to give birth to a child.” I never know what to say to that.

“Does she know she is adopted?” or “Are you going to tell her she is adopted? I always say “Yes” but often I want to say, “Really? Don’t you think she will eventually figure it out?”

“Did you adopt her because you couldn’t have children of your own?” Now really, nobody should ask such a personal question of a stranger. The first time a stranger (a cashier at Target) asked me that, I didn’t know what to say. The next time I was asked that question, I answered, “No, I adopted her because I love her.”

“Does she look like her father?” I have only been asked that twice and both times Todd wasn’t there so maybe it is a valid question. I could have a Chinese husband, but then she would look Chinese-American, not Chinese. My response both times was “I don’t know.” You can only imagine the looks I got. I wonder what they thought of me. 

“Why didn’t you adopt from the United States? Kids here need a home too.” My response is “Every child needs a home and this is the path God led us to.” It is hard to argue with God, isn’t it?

“She is from China, isn’t she? Isn’t that the country that doesn’t want girls?” I always try to explain how different the culture is in China. I don’t know if I do a great job, but I try.

I don’t mind people asking questions about Sarah and adoption in general. I am obviously a huge fan of adoption and I love talking about Sarah, but I wish that people would think about what they are asking, especially in front of Sarah. She may be only three but she understands more than people realize.

Sarah’s story is hers and it is personal. It is a story of courage, determination, and love. It is hard to understand how someone, I assume, her mother, could leave her on the steps of a public place in a basket at 8 months, but she did what she felt was best for Sarah. I can’t imagine living in a society where I had to make such a gut wrenching decision. I don’t know the reason she was abandoned. I speculate it was because of her heart condition, but I don’t know that for sure. What I do know is that my heart breaks for her biological and foster family. I don’t know anything about her biological family, but we do know some about her foster family and she was loved very much by them. I pray that somehow both of her families know that she is loved, cared for, and adored. God has blessed me more than I deserve.