Things I said I would never do.....

It is so easy to say what you would and wouldn't do BEFORE you become a parent. I always had an opinion on certain parenting techniques before becoming Sarah's mommy and now...well, to say the least my opinion has changed. In some instances my opinion changed out of survival, desperation, or that I just didn't know enough to have an opinion before. Here are some of things that have changed:

1. Co-sleeping: Miss Sarah has been sleeping with us almost every night since Thanksgiving. She always begins her night in her bed, but usually around 2 or 3, she cries out and wants to sleep with us and we let her. I have slept better in the last two months then I have since she came home. Before her  sleeping with us, I would be up sometimes 5-6 times a night attempting to comfort Sarah. Now, she is only up one time a night and that is when she comes into our bed. I have to admit, I love the feeling of that little girl snuggling against my body. 

2. Candy: When we are shopping, I almost always give Sarah a lollipop so she will stay in the cart. I was always one of those people that said, "My child will listen to me, I am not going to bride her." Well, I guess I am eating my own words. I justify in my mind that at least they are organic, "good for you" candy. It is amazes how much I can live in denial! :)

3. Showering: I never thought I would shower with my daughter. I do sometimes. She loves it and quite honestly, it is easier. 

4. TV: I have started to let Sarah watch some TV. I can't decide if I feel guilty about this or not. She watches Snow White and Nick Jr., that is it. She has watched Snow White everyday for the last month. Snow White is my favorite, but I am so tired of watching it. Last night, Sarah kissed me on the head the same way that Snow White kisses the dwarfs. It was so sweet. 

I think that I have learned once again, that you don't know what you will do into you are in that situation.:):)

On another note, things are so much better here. I think sleeping  regularly has helped. Our attachment is going well. I think that I was suffering from depression and didn't even realize how anxious and sad I felt until I have begun to feel better. I felt so guilty that I missed my old life. I felt like a horrible person and mother. I would look at this beautiful child who had been through so much and was disappointed in myself that I ever felt even one "bad" feeling about her or my new life. The guilt was overwhelming. I know that I have made some mistakes in parenting Sarah out of that guilt and shame. I just hope that she will forgive me. I honesty hope she just won't remember. For awhile, I felt like I was babysitting, I didn't feel like she was my daughter. I loved her and would of done whatever it took to take care of her, but NOW I feel like she is mine! She was meant for to be my daughter and I now feel we are connected in a way that I have never felt before.  I LOVE her! She inspires me to be a more compassionate, resilient, loving person. Things are beginning to feel normal and GOOD between Todd and I again.  I think that for awhile, I resented him. I resented him going to work, going to band practice, just moving on with his life when I was at home all day with a clingy, anxious little girl. He didn't understand, I was embarrassed to say how I really felt. He was trying, but it just wasn't good enough for me. It is better now and when things are good between us, life is just better. 

Sometimes I think that I am too honest about the way I have felt through this journey, but it is just who I am. I need to be honest. It helps....

Here are some holiday pictures...