Anxiety….

I have been having so much anxiety lately that I often wake up in the middle of the night….worrying. Sarah has been sleeping all night and I have been awake. How frustrating. I am concerned about Sarah’s surgery. It is on November 8^th. I am not necessarily concerned about anything happening to her, but I am worried that she is going to be so frustrated wearing a cast. I know that she will be in some pain, but she is TOUGH, right? A mother never wants to see her baby in pain. I am concerned that the surgery may hinder some of the attachment progress that we have made. Our attachment seems to loom over every decision that we make. Today, I was frustrated and I yelled at Sarah. She was whining and whining and I just couldn’t take it anymore. I felt guilty. I apologized to her, but I don’t think that she understood what I was saying. I know that yelling isn’t productive. I wish I didn’t get so frustrated. I feel inadequate most of the time. I want to be the mother that Sarah needs so much.  I know that attachment is a process and that we haven't even been home for four months yet. I think that I expect too much. I need to slow down. I need to let the process happen and trust God. I just want to be the mommy needs! Often, I don’t know what she needs. Her not being able to communicate with us is much more difficult than I thought it would be. We are trying to get a speech and physical evaluation for Sarah. The early interventionist is supposed to set it up, but she said that everyone is full. I know she is trying and I don’t blame her, but the overall system is messed up. Sarah needs the services and they should be provided for her in a timely manner. Todd is on a new work schedule. He gets home an hour later each day, but he has every other Monday off. Of course, I go to my internship site on Monday afternoon so I don’t even get to spend the day with him and Sarah. I am so tired of school. It just isn’t a priority for me anymore. I want to enjoy it, but I don’t. I probably should have taken the semester off, but I was afraid that I would never go back. I know going to school was something that God wanted me to do, but it is so hard right now! Todd and I never get to spend much time together anymore. I miss him. We went out for the first time last weekend alone. It was so wonderful. My parents watched Sarah so we didn’t have to worry about her. We are going to try and go out once a month! I hope that we can. We need to. It is good for us and good for Sarah to see us enjoy each other. I feel like this post is full of complaints…I am sorry! Here are some updated pictures of my beauty…..