Before and After….

I have heard people say that they don’t remember what life was like before their children. I have also heard mothers say they forget the pain of childbirth once they see the sweet face of their little one. Adoptive parents say “Oh, you will never remember the wait once you have your child.”

I still remember and sometimes miss my life before Sarah and I remember the long, agonizing wait for her. It was a lonely, sad time. Of course, the pain isn’t as raw because we now have our wonderful little Sarah, but I remember.

I even remember life before getting married. I had some wonderful times with my friends and family. I remember watching Juanita dance and sing Little Mermaid songs in our dorm room. I remember eating all of my meals with Jennifer, Jen, and Danielle and never running out of things to talk about. I remember all of our talks about the boys in our lives. I remember talking to Ryan for hours about all of our troubles and dreams. I remember Lori being like the big sister I never had. I remember spending the night weekend at Jen and Bryan's after college. I remember grocery shopping with her and making dinner like “real grown ups.” I love remembering all of those times. They were wonderful and somewhat magical. Those lovely friends had help defined who I am today.

I remember the hard, but sweet times I spent with my younger sister and her daughter. I also remember Todd and Maria before Todd, Maria, and Sarah. I remember traveling and doing whatever we wanted. I remember sleeping in and hanging out with friends without having to plan for a babysitter or carrying a million bags to go out to eat. I remember going on two separate mission trips with him and my church family and feeling the privilege of helping others. I remember working, feeling challenged, and loving the people I worked with.

AND…YES, sometimes I miss those times. Sometimes I want to travel back  but I would be missing out on the greatest, most lovely blessing of my life…Sarah. I would be missing out on her beautiful smile, her silly monkey sounds, her sweet, tight hugs, and her sassy “I am going to do it my way” personality. I would miss out on her resilience and drive to be successful. Most importantly, I would miss out on the love we share. She has challenged me to think about who I am. Sometimes I don’t like who I see, but she has taught me and is teaching me to be a kinder, more compassionate, less judgmental person.

I used to feel guilty for missing those times or missing my job, but I don’t anymore.  It was a part of my life journey, just like she is. I will forever be grateful for the presence of so many wonderful people in my life and I will forever be in awe of the blessing God gave me in Sarah.