Hugs and Kisses…..

Even from the moment that we met Sarah, she allowed us to hold her, but she didn’t’ reciprocate affection. Sarah would sit on our laps, but if we tried to put our arms around her, she would push us away. Sometimes we would ask for a hug or a kiss and she would firmly say. “no.” We knew intellectually that this was part of the attachment process and that it would take time for her to trust us, but it was hard. We wanted to snuggle and cuddle with her, but she wasn't ready. Slowly, she started to warm up. At first, Sarah wouldn’t even lay with us to nap. Last November, she started to feel comfortable enough to sleep with  us, but she would lay on at the end of the bed. She wouldn’t snuggle up between us. Now, she will snuggle and cuddle with us. She gives affection freely without us initiating it. She asks to be a “snuggle bunny.” Todd and I are affectionate people so we love this side of Sarah. Sometimes during the day, she will walk over to me, kiss me, and say “wuv you” or she will ask me to hold her hand will we are driving. She is so sweet. She loves snuggling with her daddy. She runs to him if she is scared and she asks him to hold her. She is also feeling secure enough to allow herself to attach to other adults in her life. That is such a good sign of healthy attachment. Sarah is such a lovely, complicated little girl and I am so glad she is our daughter. 

I am getting so excited for the holidays this year! Last year was our first holiday season with Sarah, but she was still so young and didn't really get into the celebrating. This year seems different, she was excited about Halloween. She loved her costume and trick or treating.  She was so excited that she could just go up to a house, ring the doorbell, say "trick or treat" and gets some candy. When she received candy at the first house she looked at us and said "Wow!" She was so sweet and polite to every house she went to. All three of us had a great time. We are trying to decide what to get Sarah for Christmas. We are not into giving lots of presents. Sarah really isn't into presents. She is a simply kind of girl. Honestly, I am not sure she know she can ask for things. Mostly, she asks for food or candy. :) The other day when we were at Target, she saw a Christmas tree, ran up to it and was excited. She loved our tree last year. I want to begin our decorating the day after Thanksgiving. The holidays are so much more fun and exciting having Sarah. I used to be so depressed that time of year. My heart ached for a child. I am so thankful for Sarah. She is so lovely! 

 

Before and After….

I have heard people say that they don’t remember what life was like before their children. I have also heard mothers say they forget the pain of childbirth once they see the sweet face of their little one. Adoptive parents say “Oh, you will never remember the wait once you have your child.”

I still remember and sometimes miss my life before Sarah and I remember the long, agonizing wait for her. It was a lonely, sad time. Of course, the pain isn’t as raw because we now have our wonderful little Sarah, but I remember.

I even remember life before getting married. I had some wonderful times with my friends and family. I remember watching Juanita dance and sing Little Mermaid songs in our dorm room. I remember eating all of my meals with Jennifer, Jen, and Danielle and never running out of things to talk about. I remember all of our talks about the boys in our lives. I remember talking to Ryan for hours about all of our troubles and dreams. I remember Lori being like the big sister I never had. I remember spending the night weekend at Jen and Bryan's after college. I remember grocery shopping with her and making dinner like “real grown ups.” I love remembering all of those times. They were wonderful and somewhat magical. Those lovely friends had help defined who I am today.

I remember the hard, but sweet times I spent with my younger sister and her daughter. I also remember Todd and Maria before Todd, Maria, and Sarah. I remember traveling and doing whatever we wanted. I remember sleeping in and hanging out with friends without having to plan for a babysitter or carrying a million bags to go out to eat. I remember going on two separate mission trips with him and my church family and feeling the privilege of helping others. I remember working, feeling challenged, and loving the people I worked with.

AND…YES, sometimes I miss those times. Sometimes I want to travel back  but I would be missing out on the greatest, most lovely blessing of my life…Sarah. I would be missing out on her beautiful smile, her silly monkey sounds, her sweet, tight hugs, and her sassy “I am going to do it my way” personality. I would miss out on her resilience and drive to be successful. Most importantly, I would miss out on the love we share. She has challenged me to think about who I am. Sometimes I don’t like who I see, but she has taught me and is teaching me to be a kinder, more compassionate, less judgmental person.

I used to feel guilty for missing those times or missing my job, but I don’t anymore.  It was a part of my life journey, just like she is. I will forever be grateful for the presence of so many wonderful people in my life and I will forever be in awe of the blessing God gave me in Sarah.